It’s coming. New York’s invisible, yet reliably punctual Godzilla: humidity. You can’t run. You can’t hide. You can spend as much time you like in front of the air conditioner as you like but you know the second you step away it’s going to get you. And you have to step away sometimes.
So what do you do in a city where style and beauty reign supreme? Where women actually wear rompers and no one ever says “You look like a giant baby in an adult diaper”? Where scores of ladies get about in those giant floppy hippie hats and never, ever seem to get hat hair? What the hell are you supposed to do when all around you, everyone is wearing the latest Alexander Wang un-seamed t-shirt that they spent $250 and the blood of countless sweatshop children on just so they could look as pointedly disheveled as you do in your $5 H&M outfit?
The humidity is here, ladies, and it’s only going to get worse. For those of us not blessed with botoxed pits or the East Village wraith’s ability to look unaffected by seasonal elements at all times, I’ve got some tips to help you survive the months that make you feel as though you’re living between someone’s thighs. And as a woman whose brother once asked, “Do you have some kind of disease I don’t know about” when I was sweating profusely from my face, you can put your trust in me.
Grey is flattering and looks great on almost everyone, EXCEPT in summer. Grey is summer’s Zorro “Z”–it’s the calling card of the extremely visible pit/back/underboob sweat stains so heavens to Betsy, do not wear grey, or any affiliated colors. And if you INSIST on wearing it, be sure to go sleeveless.
When it comes to New York summer, we are all Monica in Friends. The only answer is to give up. You can try all sorts of hair straightening and anti-frizz serums but as someone who has cleaned out the hair products aisle at Duane Reade multiple times trying to tame a blob-like growth of normally flat hair I can tell you this right now–nothing can save you. Either wear it with pride or tie it back, because your hair has completely abandoned you in your time of need. It’s not personal.
Girlfriends are generally for talking about emotional support, learning Beyonce dance routines on YouTube, red wine, and telling you truthfully when your ass looks lumpy in that dress. In summer, the sisterhood needs to stick together more than ever–we need to be on high sweat-mo alert for one another, lest we all want to be walking around with liquid mustaches.
That is unless you want them melting into your eyes. I know that big, full brows are trendy, but there’s nothing trendy about your sweat creating a mush of eyebrow pencil that smears towards your hairline (because you WILL forget you drew them in and you WILL attempt to wipe sweat from your forehead with the back of your hand) or worse, melting into your eyes.
Sitting seems innocent enough, but consider the embarrassment of leaving behind a pool of ass sweat or worse, accidentally sitting in someone else’s.
I don’t want to be one of those women who is like “OMG Becky, like, look at her bronzer,” but I am, I really, really am. The problem with bronzer, unlike say, a tinted moisturizer or light foundation, is that it sits ON TOP of your skin and as such is super susceptible to the waterfall cascading from your hairline. Don’t be a victim of patterns running in your bronzer–everyone wants to look tan and healthy but a patchy, sweaty bronzer makes you look sicker than you do if you’re just plain old pale.
Look, I get it, chemtrails, Roswell, kale, etc., you’re an environmental warrior, corporations suck, good for you for sticking it to the man. But it’s summer. You stink. I stink. We all stink. It’s time to forget all your hang-ups about brands and “unnatural” products and buy yourself the most industrial-strength deodorant you can get your organic little hands on. No one at the co-op has to know.
There are ways to make the humidity work for you. Your wet hair? Flip it to the side like you’re on Baywatch, and if you’re feeling really psycho, sprinkle some salt in and tell people you’ve just been to the beach. Your perspiring chest? See Katy above. Your general demeanor of perturbedness? Honey, that’s just you being hard to get.