Mixed emotions - heavy heart -Innocent you - Wild heart what to do ?
I decided to write .A mental therapy where we express ourselves in whatever way we want and there is no one to question us except our inner soul. My diary never judges me .
Life is a continuous journey of evolution. I tried to figure out what I was feeling but came up with a hundred moods.
Hope everything will be well enough to keep my minds steady and calm.The past days had been rough where I felt that I have spoiled everything. Everything
seems to be in my hands yet uncontrollable.Getting angry,blaming yourself, being sad,pissed of at your own life makes you miserable.I am feeling considerably low when I am not able to figure my shit out. Had this happened before ?
The answer is no.I was pretty alright who was able to handle different emotions very precisely in a mature manner.But something has happened to me .My heart aches with physical and mental pain.There’s a lot going on and thinking for anything even for a little second makes me moret terribleand I cry. Crying is all about venting out emotions but this becomes awful when you have no one . As a human I couldn't resist my feelings anymore .At this moment I feel I just need that hug from the right person which would feel like heaven,embraced with glory and charm.
I understand the fact that we should be happy in whatever we have .I know love leads too expectations, then complaints ,further trust issues and eventually you are left with a shattered soul. Life is not a bed of roses.I know and it's okay.
I don’t care about my happiness and ofcourse I am not being a jerk.I care about people around me. Everyday standing before God I pray that please give all the burden and tensions which my
parents deal with to me .I say make me capable enough to make them happy.I cannot see people suffering around me be it my parents or friends .I am strong but maybe weak- willed in the matters of heart,be it any relationship I posses around me .
But I am useless and I always feel helpless .Everyday standing in front of the mirror with wet eyes, trembling feet, dehydrated , I used to command myself to control my anger,drink water and just not to give up because this is nothing and there is more to come .
But now I am scared of people , I am scared of myself.
Repeating the slogan eat , sleep , stay happy and make others happy makes me more scared because I am afraid of the harsh realities of life.
Don't know what is happening, maybe it's just the time factor which makes me feel unworthy. But what to do till then ?